I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
Holy shit dude........stairs
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
Randomize
