I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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