we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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