Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
