somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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