If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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