I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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