I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
