I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize