3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
