you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
