Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
It's shark week go big or go home
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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