The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize