you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
