hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize