Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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