My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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