just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize