i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize