eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
