I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
