Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
