Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
