Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
