there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
