I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize