clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize