I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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