She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
