Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize