I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
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