My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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