Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
