it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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