New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Randomize
