Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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