well I can't set my house on fire every night
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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