I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
