I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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