Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
