happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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