I think scott just propositioned me for sex
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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