the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
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