I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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