I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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