textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize