I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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