I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize