dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Randomize
