I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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