well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Someone came in the potted fern
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize