i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
