i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I'm way too hungover for life right now
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Randomize
