Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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