your parents love me but you hate me
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
