i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
