What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Randomize
