Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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